my soul wont recognize me after tonight
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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