I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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