Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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