people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize