even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
