4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
