Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
