if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
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