ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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