Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
