We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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