My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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