so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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