I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize