I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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