You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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