Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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