Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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