just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize