I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
