just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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