if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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