Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
