You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
