How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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