I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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