i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Randomize
