I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
