I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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