I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
