She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
