I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
