My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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