just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
