In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize