did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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