I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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