my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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