You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
