If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
