The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
