I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
