How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
