I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
