I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
The power of my boobs compel you
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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