Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Randomize
