listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize