Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Randomize
