That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
