I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Can I color on your dick again?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
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