I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
We were destined to go to rehab together
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Drake has all the answers
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
