Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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