I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
