Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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