Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
