Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
