once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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