i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize