found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Houston, we have a squirter
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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