i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
We are all done wearing pants today
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
