my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
