two words: eviction party
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize