fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
